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“Which way do I turn?” – A Testimony

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Written by Kelley – Angels by Grace Publication-June 1998

Have you ever been bombarded with questions stemming from abuse, in any form, and there was nowhere to turn? Opening up to friends or your counselor just didn’t seem to help at all? Yet the questions do not go away and it is torment. Every person needs a safe place to turn when dealing with any issue. Yet, I have come to realize friends or counselors aren’t always aware of our needs to open up, no matter how childish it seems.

God has allowed me to see that I have been looking to people to meet the emotional needs in my life. Needs such as,  knowing what it’s like to have someone put their arms around me and say they love me when I feel crappy about myself. Having someone to hold me and let me cry out without judging me, or reassuring me when things aren’t going well. We all need this.

All these needs stem from what we didn’t get growing up. If we are saved, spiritually, then in that regard we know (or should know) who we are in Christ. If we are a man or a woman, we know because the evidence is there.

Where is the turmoil at? It is our emotions. There is a big gap between our spirit and our physical bodies. The emotions are there and they are damaged, which brings doubt, insecurity, fears, etc.  Satan has his fun by doing everything in his power to prevent us from getting out what we really feel. He does this by getting us to focus on the situations in our lives, instead of focusing on Christ.

A good example of this is me being without a job for a little over six months. The first thought is survival and that results into not tithing, for example. It is easy for me to trust God when things are going great because I feel like He loves me. However, when a trial hits that means depending on Him, it is now the hardest thing to tithe. But tithing is my responsibility no matter what happens.

After the not tithing issue, my value as a person takes a beating as never before. Satan will use looking for a job as a way to compound the emotions of rejection, feelings of not having any abilities that would interest someone enough to hire me, etc.

Who does a person turn to after finding out that the things of the world, friends or counselors can’t help or stop the pain? The Person to turn to is God! As much as I cover my true emotions up with anger, He is the only One I can turn to. I honestly can’t say the blank feeling with people is His fault because God knows the right people to bring into my life.

However, when there is no other safe place to turn, He is our refuge. Kirk Talley does a song called, “Sometimes a Soldier Cries.” Its message is that it is okay for a soldier to cry, not feel strong, etc. And that we can turn to God’s arms of love.

Do I ever feel His arms around me or His love? No! However, God really uses music to comfort me, to remind me of His love, that His arms are really there. Yes, I have been frustrated with things I have gone through involving job hunting, things in life, and counseling. I can honestly say that God’s purpose was to get me to realize He is the only place I can truly turn and just be me. I really believe that His love is going to flood my emotional hurts in such a way that I will never be the same and that the torments of thoughts will be less and less.

Recently, God allowed me to attend a funeral of a nine-year old boy. One of the preachers there shared a very touching sermon and it hit home for me. He talked about Job and how Job never blamed God. The preacher also shared about God’s Sovereignty in the boy’s death.  He pointed out that in God’s Word that our days are numbered and that the car accident was the means of God calling His child home.

How does this relate to abuse of any nature? Very simple. We have a Sovereign God who is in control. Yes, we could go into the question of if He’s so Sovereign, why did He let it happen? I have wanted to do that many times in an angry way because it hurts so much. God understands me doing that but, it would be my way of covering up the tears, the pain, and the need to release these feelings even though I’m scared.

There is no reason to blame God and get into the “What if’s” concerning myself or any circumstances that contributed to it. There is only forgiveness and letting His love flood my emotions. I know that God will always remind me of these things daily as a source of encouragement because He knows that I have the worst habit of focusing in on the circumstances and other people instead of focusing on Him.

 

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Blessings to you.

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Unholy Vows is an Open Door

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An inner vow is a solemn promise we make to ourselves. Those vows lodge into our subconscious and although we may totally forget we made such a vow, it is there and will control parts of our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.

As children, and even as adults, we make vows that start with “I will never.”  Usually it stems from hurt or pain. “I’ll never get married again!” “I’ll never be like my Dad!” These inner vows stem from a spirit of rejection and open the door to the enemy.

As a child being abused I learned that by crying it created great satisfaction to my abuser. Upon my realizing that fact the devil stepped through that open door and whispered, “Show her, don’t cry!” I immediately vowed, “No-one will ever see me cry again!” That not only shut the door to my true emotions but caused me more physical pain because the beatings lasted longer in order to draw tears. For 45+ years no-one saw me cry! Not tears of joy, not tears of pain.

Hatred replaced forgiveness. “Forgive others so you’ll be forgiven” flew right out the window of my heart. “Come hell or high water I’ll get revenge! No-one will ever hurt me like that again!” Satan was well pleased with my vow. He instilled hatred instead of love. He accomplished his purpose to rob, steal, and destroy.

God has a purpose for all of us and unholy inner vows thwart, separate us from God’s purposes. We’re saying, “My will, not God’s.”

Our anger, unforgiveness, pride, issues of control and manipulation all stem from that spirit of rejection.

Many times we use anger to cover the hurt we are feeling. We stomp off making yet another vow. We try to control people and things by building walls. Walls that leave us in a prison of not knowing, feeling, or exhibiting love. We think we are protecting ourselves from being rejected but in reality we are shutting God and others out. “No-one will ever hurt me again!” “I’ll never show my true feelings.” “I’ll never trust _____ again!”

Inner vows is where “people pleasing” comes from. If we can be what someone wants us to be then they won’t reject us. If I can make everyone laugh, regardless of the turmoil I’m feeling, then they will love me. “Don’t rock the boat” and I won’t be rejected. “I’ll never say what I really think.” “I never count so make them happy.”

In order to hide the feelings of rejection we also try to manipulate others and circumstances. Instead of trusting God with the situation we usurp Him by “making things happen my way.” That’s pride! Pride feeds right into the vows we have made. “I don’t need God to tell me what to do.” Authority issues stem from the issues of rejection.

There are many vows we have made knowingly or unknowingly and in order to be set free from them and come closer to who God created us to be each and every vow must be renounced and repented of.

Ask the Lord to bring to mind the unholy inner vows you have made. Don’t be surprised if there are many. Take the time to write them down and begin renouncing them.

Here’s a sample prayer of renunciation:

Heavenly Father, I come to You in Jesus name, I repent and renounce the vow I made (describe what the vow entailed and any person you may have made the vow to).  I realize this was foolish and rash on my behalf, and I ask that you will forgive me and release me from the bondage that this vow has brought me under.

In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I now renounce, break and nullify the vow (name the vow and any person the vow was made to), and I confess that I am released from this vow and it’s bondage in Jesus name.

I now command any evil spirits which have taken advantage of this unholy vow to leave me now in Jesus name!

(Repeat this prayer if you have more than one unholy vow to break.)

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Feel free to e-mail me with any confidential questions or comments at: elah501c@bellsouth.net

http://www.elahministriesinc.com

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Blessings to you.

Sexual abuse & false beliefs

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Beliefs can be verbally taught or non-verbally taught.  As children we believe what adults communicate to us. They are “big people and they know!” So is it any wonder that we, as adults, may still have some of those false beliefs that were communicated to us through an abusive childhood? I know of no-one who has been abused that were not told, in some fashion, that it was their fault. It doesn’t matter if you were an infant or a teen, the abuser always blames the victim! It is because of these false beliefs that we speak, respond, and behave in certain ways.

“You need to realize where your emotions and actions come from. Jesus said, Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. (Matt. 12:34, KJV). In other words, our communication (which reveals our thoughts, emotions, and the intent of our actions) comes from our hearts (our belief system). Because every situation in our lives is interpreted by what we believe, our belief system, not the situation, is the key to our response!” *

We need to be able to identify those false beliefs, reject them, and replace them with God’s truth.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you and ask Him to reveal to you where that belief originated.

Assignment:

Circle the false beliefs listed that you feel reflect your thinking. Write in what God says about that.  Add any more at the bottom that you feel are not on the list. **

1. Example – I was a bad child. – Truth: I am God’s child. He doesn’t make “bad kids.”

2. The abuse was my fault.

3. Since the abuse was my fault, I deserve the punishment.

4. I don’t measure up.

5. I am a failure.

6. I am not good enough.

7. I must not fail.

8. Trusting people is dangerous.

9. I must not get to close to people.

10. Feelings are bad.

11. I must not show my feelings.

12. People are no good.

13. I am no good.

14. Everything wrong in my life is their fault.

15. If I make myself sexually unappealing I can avoid other abuse.

16. Sexual contact is the only way to get my needs met.

17. My body is disgusting.

18. I hate my body.

19. I can’t be without him, no one will ever need me as much.

20. I must protect everyone – mother, father, family, etc.

21. Sex makes no sense.

22. – 25

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If you have confidential questions/comments feel free to e-mail me at: elah501c@bellsouth.net

Suggested reading:

Available at Amazon.comProduct Details

 

* The Complete Search for Significance – Robert S. McGee -Page 413

** Search for Significance workbook –  Robert S. McGee

 

NOTE: Praise the Lord! The assignment from the post, “Held in Bondage by being silent” has produced some rewarding breakthroughs. Two abusers have been confronted through the letters written (not sent) and the survivors was able to forgive. These assignments will help if they are completed. All praise, honor, and glory goes to the Lord.

 

http://www.elahministriesinc.com

http://www.suespen2paper.com

http://www.facebook.com/elahministries

Blessings to you.