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Wishing I was the Wind – Testimony

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Wishing I was the wind

Remember back in 1956 the song “The Wayward Wind?” I loved that song! Okay, so some of you weren’t even born at that time and I’m aging myself. But that’s okay.

I remember sitting on the school bus, alone on the leather seat, looking out the window, and feeling totally alone. The words of the song would play through my mind and oh how I wished I could be that wind. How I wished I could just blow across the land and not have to encounter the abuse at home. As the wind, I could go wherever I wanted. I could be strong, so strong I could blow over houses or gently tilt a flower low to the ground. As the wind I would have the power to move mountains or ripple a stream.

I wasn’t living next to railroad tracts, as depicted in the song. I wasn’t grieving the loss of a lost lover. I was grieving a lost childhood. I was grieving the lack of love from a dysfunctional family. “Raise a child in the ways it is to go” wasn’t even thought about. I was being taught all the wrong things about who I was and who I would be. I was taught guilt, shame, anger, frustration, and filled with emptiness. I was taught what I was worth – nothing!

Sadly many people’s perception of their self worth derives from many different circumstances, people, society, families, jobs, how many friends we have/don’t have, etc. For me, actions speak louder than words. Don’t tell me you love me while choking me or punching me. Someone’s actions can relay a message of worth. We all know “that look” from Mom, Dad, husband, or wife.

If we claim our worth by how much money we have/ don’t have, our position at work/ executive or janitor, our weight/ to fat or to skinny, race, beautiful or ugly, harsh words or negative actions, or status in life we are being deceived. Magazines and T.V. commercials all have a message that we’re not good enough.

I remember when I confronted my Dad about the years of abuse, I’ll never forget his words. “You were my tool.” I don’t think anything he could have ever said that could have hurt more. You see he was a diesel mechanic. He had hundreds of tools. All shapes, all sizes. All had a specific purpose. They were placed in a big bright red tool box, inanimate objects that he used and put aside until needed the next time. Their only value was deemed in what they could be used for. images[2]

“You were my tool.” Little did I know that perceived self worth was established way back in the early years of my childhood. In my case it was, “Your good for only one thing.”

It was when I became a child of God that I learned God saw me worth more than a ten dollar screw driver or a fifteen dollar pair of pliers. He saw me as more than a vessel for sex or a punching bag. I was so valuable, “more than silver or gold,” that He adopted me as His daughter! His Son died on the cross that I might have life more abundant, forgiveness of my sins, and that I could spend eternity with Him.

My Dad saw me as a tool, to be used and thrown to the side until needed at another time. God saw me as a precious child who needed a Father. imagesCA7OM3L4

I was received and valued by Christ “…with the precious blood of Christ as a lamb without blemish and without spot.” 1Peter 1:19

Our worth does not come from others, positions, status, or world worth. Our worth is based upon what God created. If He didn’t think we were worth creating He would not have created us! He would not have come to earth as a man, Jesus, to save us from an eternity in hell. He would not seek us out as a lost sheep and carry us back into the fold to love and protect us.

If you had been the only human being on the face of the earth He still would have gone to the cross for you. That’s how valuable you are to Him!

Don’t sell yourself short of how valuable you are. Your alcoholic mother, drug buddies, abusive father, parent that abandoned you did not determine your worth! God and God alone is the only one who determines our value. God see’s you valuable enough to die for you and adopt you as His child. “For you are all sons (daughters) of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” Gal. 3:26

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“And because you are sons, (daughters) God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” Gal. 4:6-7

* note: I added (daughters) so no-one feels left out.

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Blessings to you.

 

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Rocks in my Garden

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Adam and Eve had the perfect garden to live, laugh, love, and dwell in. They had the perfect relationship with each other and with God until the serpent slithered in. The devil is out to destroy us! He is out to destroy any relationship we may have with Almighty God. That is his sole purpose and he will use any means to accomplish his goals.

The serpent (abuser) slithers in and through deception and manipulation builds the trust of the child. Slowly and gradually the child’s trust is built and then suddenly is destroyed. Like a coiled rattle snake the devil strikes. Abusers do not strike just once. They keep coming back, over and over and over again. Most have more than one victim. And each time they strike it leaves another “emotional rock” in our perfect garden.

Suddenly our innocence is gone. We’ve learned not to trust anyone. Our heart begins to harden and anger fills our being. Bitterness is like a boulder weighing us down, and guilt rides on our shoulders. Shame is so deep we cannot speak of it. “If they really knew me they would not like me.”

Without intervention on the child’s behalf the rocks keep building. The pile becomes larger and deeper and wider. The child who was born to be happy and grow into a productive God fearing person is now weighted down with the baggage of a life filled with fear, doubt, guilt, and shame. Their self-esteem is lower than a basement floor, and many cried out but no help arrived. Now as adults we are still weighted down by the residual effects of the evil perpetrated against us as a child.

The devil whispers in our ear, ” If God really cared He would have stopped it! He doesn’t care about you! ” Satan just threw the all-time biggest bolder on the top of our rock pile. If we believe that lie, the devil has accomplished his goal!

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

I remember one time when I cried out to God, “Why didn’t You stop him!?” The Lord gave me a mental picture of Jesus kneeling, with tears streaming down His face, praying to the Father on my behalf while I was being raped. It made me furious! “That’s ALL You did! You just prayed!” I screamed. I didn’t understand, at that time, how the Lord Jesus intercedes on our behalf. I didn’t understand that because He gave humans free will that He could not reach down and slap the tar out of my Dad and make him stop what he was doing to me. I wish He could, but He can’t, because He gave us the free will to sin or not to sin.

And the devil takes full advantage of that free will offered by Christ. It is the devil’s influences that are taking place within the abuser. “The devil made me do it.” Don’t even go there!

We humans have a God-given inborn sense of right and wrong. It is instilled within us as early as the womb. The abuser knows he/she is doing wrong. Why else are we told to not tell? Why else are we threatened in a variety of ways if we reveal the evil being done to us? The abuser knows it’s wrong and chooses to do it anyway!  

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve,…”Joshua 24:15

The action the abuser chooses leaves his victim devastated. The younger the victim, the longer the duration of the abuse, the more emotional rocks (damage) we’ll have in our previously beautiful garden.

Did anyone ever tell you that Christ is also a Landscaper? He knows what weeds to pull, He knows how to crush the rocks and boulders, and He’s very proficient in trimming those dead branches. He wants us to be the beauty in which He made us and He knows how to rid us of those rocks in our garden.

Assignment:

In your journal, draw a container and a basket.

At the time I did this I called it the rocks in my well. Call it what you like, but draw some sort of container, and ask the Lord to reveal to you what emotional rocks you have.

It helps if you draw something that the rocks fill up. The visual of something full is more effective than a list on paper.

   Cyber Support - Rocks in my well

As we go along the various issues will be talked about. As you pray through the various issues and the Lord brings healing you can remove that “emotional rock” and place it in the basket that you have also drawn. Name your basket whatever you’d like; trash basket, healed basket, praise God basket, etc.

If you want a really powerful image use various sized real rocks and print the issue as the Lord gives it to you on each rock. (Careful of your back, there may be some big boulders.) As each is ministered to, place the real rock in a basket on your desk. Great reminder of what God’s doing and the accomplishments you’ve made.

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Tell us how you’re doing with your journaling. What is the main problem you have, if any, with journaling? Share your thoughts with the rest of us in the group. (Leave a reply section below)

Suggested reading:Product DetailsThe Search for Freedom – Available at Amazon.com

Suggested reading: “Building Walls” (Apr. 2, 2014) – http://www.suespen2paper.com

Lord I ask in Jesus Name that as these beautiful people seek Your wisdom that You will reveal those issues they still struggle with and we will give You all the praise, honor, and glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

If you have confidential questions/comments feel free to e-mail me at: elah501c@bellsouth.net

http://www.elahministries.com

Blessings to you.