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Wishing I was the Wind – Testimony

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Wishing I was the wind

Remember back in 1956 the song “The Wayward Wind?” I loved that song! Okay, so some of you weren’t even born at that time and I’m aging myself. But that’s okay.

I remember sitting on the school bus, alone on the leather seat, looking out the window, and feeling totally alone. The words of the song would play through my mind and oh how I wished I could be that wind. How I wished I could just blow across the land and not have to encounter the abuse at home. As the wind, I could go wherever I wanted. I could be strong, so strong I could blow over houses or gently tilt a flower low to the ground. As the wind I would have the power to move mountains or ripple a stream.

I wasn’t living next to railroad tracts, as depicted in the song. I wasn’t grieving the loss of a lost lover. I was grieving a lost childhood. I was grieving the lack of love from a dysfunctional family. “Raise a child in the ways it is to go” wasn’t even thought about. I was being taught all the wrong things about who I was and who I would be. I was taught guilt, shame, anger, frustration, and filled with emptiness. I was taught what I was worth – nothing!

Sadly many people’s perception of their self worth derives from many different circumstances, people, society, families, jobs, how many friends we have/don’t have, etc. For me, actions speak louder than words. Don’t tell me you love me while choking me or punching me. Someone’s actions can relay a message of worth. We all know “that look” from Mom, Dad, husband, or wife.

If we claim our worth by how much money we have/ don’t have, our position at work/ executive or janitor, our weight/ to fat or to skinny, race, beautiful or ugly, harsh words or negative actions, or status in life we are being deceived. Magazines and T.V. commercials all have a message that we’re not good enough.

I remember when I confronted my Dad about the years of abuse, I’ll never forget his words. “You were my tool.” I don’t think anything he could have ever said that could have hurt more. You see he was a diesel mechanic. He had hundreds of tools. All shapes, all sizes. All had a specific purpose. They were placed in a big bright red tool box, inanimate objects that he used and put aside until needed the next time. Their only value was deemed in what they could be used for. images[2]

“You were my tool.” Little did I know that perceived self worth was established way back in the early years of my childhood. In my case it was, “Your good for only one thing.”

It was when I became a child of God that I learned God saw me worth more than a ten dollar screw driver or a fifteen dollar pair of pliers. He saw me as more than a vessel for sex or a punching bag. I was so valuable, “more than silver or gold,” that He adopted me as His daughter! His Son died on the cross that I might have life more abundant, forgiveness of my sins, and that I could spend eternity with Him.

My Dad saw me as a tool, to be used and thrown to the side until needed at another time. God saw me as a precious child who needed a Father. imagesCA7OM3L4

I was received and valued by Christ “…with the precious blood of Christ as a lamb without blemish and without spot.” 1Peter 1:19

Our worth does not come from others, positions, status, or world worth. Our worth is based upon what God created. If He didn’t think we were worth creating He would not have created us! He would not have come to earth as a man, Jesus, to save us from an eternity in hell. He would not seek us out as a lost sheep and carry us back into the fold to love and protect us.

If you had been the only human being on the face of the earth He still would have gone to the cross for you. That’s how valuable you are to Him!

Don’t sell yourself short of how valuable you are. Your alcoholic mother, drug buddies, abusive father, parent that abandoned you did not determine your worth! God and God alone is the only one who determines our value. God see’s you valuable enough to die for you and adopt you as His child. “For you are all sons (daughters) of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” Gal. 3:26

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“And because you are sons, (daughters) God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” Gal. 4:6-7

* note: I added (daughters) so no-one feels left out.

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Blessings to you.

 

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God’s Flashlight

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flashlight

Many people do not understand the deep soul devastation that happens when children are abused physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, and spiritually. Why spiritually? Because in each and every human God placed His spark within us before we were even born.  He knew us before we were conceived. (Jer.1:5) He said we are created in His image. (Gen.1:27) Mom and Dad are just the vessels He has used to bring us into this world.

The genetic makeup of a child is such that each has his own predisposition as to character and personality. How God created him can be altered through abuse because it directly affects how his character and personality will be developed. It can be nourished or devastated. Abuse attacks all that a child was meant to be. His D.N.A. will never be changed but what God created him for can and will be devastatingly changed. We were created to love and be loved, to feel joy, and enjoy life, and above all to love the Lord with all our heart, mind, and soul.

Through my own healing experiences the Lord has shown me much. I call it His big “flashlight” shining deep within my soul exposing those deep hurts, the wounds to my heart, the wounds that seared my thought processes, and so much more.

Through therapy, through much prayer, through dreams and visions He has brought healing in a variety of ways. He dug deep to expose the hurt. He dug deep to expose the falsehoods that had been told to me over and over and over again; it’s your fault, you liked it, you wanted it, you are my tool and I can do what I want with you, if you were good…, you’re worthless, the list is endless and may vary with each survivor but they all attack the personhood of the child. Instead of instilling worth and value and love, – guilt, shame, worthlessness, are being methodically and deliberately instilled in the child.

I mentioned dreams and visions because, in my recovery, the Lord would use dreams where He would reveal certain things to me. For instance, my career as a flight attendant placed me on airplanes for many years. I can relate to air travel so the Lord would use planes and hotels to get His point across. Other times He would use a person/people I knew or pets that I had.

My point is, don’t be fooled by a dream where within the dream there may be things you are familiar with. Because I was on a plane or in a hotel in a dream doesn’t mean I was just having some sort of flashback. If a dream bothers you, keeps coming to mind, or even a small portion of it, pray about it asking the Lord to show you what He is telling you. Write the dream down and then pray about it and allow the Lord to bring a deeper understanding to the wounds that He is touching. Make no assumptions about what the dream may mean. It’s easy to do that but we can miss the deeper meaning and healing.

For many years I had one dream that continually would show up without regard to anything I may have encountered that day, week, or even month. It was a small child’s hand. It appeared to belong to a two-year old child. It was always reaching out with the index finger pointing as though reaching out to touch something. I never understood and finally the Lord, after many years, revealed what it was. The Lord was leading me into the beginning stages of the healing process. Once the Lord revealed what that hand reaching out meant I have never had the dream again. He later revealed, through a vision this time, that the abuse began when I was an infant.

We can miss the magnificent healing powers of the Lord Jesus Christ by ignoring or discounting ways that He can bring about deeper healer within us. Jesus is Jehovah Rapha – The Lord that heals. (Ex. 15:26)

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Feel free to e-mail me if you have confidential questions or comments:  elah501c@bellsouth.net

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Blessings to you.