Written by Robin – Angels by Grace Pub. – April 1997
Molestation, physical and mental abuse, childhood incest. I am a survivor.
From about three years old, maybe earlier, until I was eighteen years old and moved out on my own I was at the hands of some pretty messed up adults.
Throughout my twenties I tried everything from drugs and alcohol to self-inflicted abuse, to take away the deep dark terrorizing pain I felt.
The confusion of being a young adult, not to mention my past, had become almost unbearable. I tried to kill myself several times, but always unsuccessfully. I did however find I could use food to somewhat soothe my pain. It was something I could control myself and no-one could interfere.
I saw large women who didn’t seem to be “hit on” sexually like the slimmer women did. In my mind I decided that I was going to gain weight and that would make me unappealing to men. I achieved that goal and felt safe from sexual advancements from men. That was okay, for a while. But then my so-called solution became my problem in that I was not able to control my eating habits. Now I struggle with the issues from the past as well as struggling with my own self-inflicted abuse, overweight. I also isolated myself from others until I didn’t even know how to talk to people, nor did I feel comfortable doing so.
Life was kind of miserable and I felt it was not worth living. A friend helped me to see that it was okay to have fun and it’s okay to have problems.
I got guardianship of my five nieces and a nephew which required me to leave South Carolina and come to Georgia. I was having to start all over again and it caused me to have a very difficult time emotionally.
I made a new friend here and she helped me by talking with me and introducing me to women that I would come to feel comfortable with. She started encouraging me to take the kids to church. I did but at first it was for their sake, not mine. Little did I know that God had sent her to me so I would go to church and in turn get what He needed me to hear.
Another friend and I joined the women’s Bible study and I started learning, or I should say re-learning, that God loves me. That He has been waiting for my choice.
I started therapy and eventually joined a support group where I met Sue. She may not know how much God has used her in my life. I see what He is doing for her, through her, and with her. I also see what He can do within me and wants to do for me.
I am thirty one years old and for a year and a half now I have felt more alive than I ever have. God took me, a sinner swallowed up in darkness, and has shown me the light. He sees where you are and if you just call His name He will be there, just like that!
I have trouble feeling that He has really forgiven me. But I know that will go away in His time. My biggest problem at this time is allowing God to help me. I close up on Him, like slamming a door, and He keeps knocking. I fade out and He zones in.
I know for the first time in my life that I have Someone I can call on, day or night. Without a doubt He will be there. All you have to do is to say His name and He will come. He is on standby waiting for you to call. It doesn’t all change just like that. He sheds His light on whatever you are going through and walks you through it.
Glory to God and thanks unto Him, my Protector. I will continue to go on with the fight because He will give me victory and in turn, He has victory.
“Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what He has done has been done through God.” John 3:21
Blessings to you.