Written by Mari Levitt-Helms – Angels by Grace Pub. July 2003
Growing up I often heard how selfish I was, most often when I was depressed. To an extent I will agree with depression being a little self-centered. How could it not be when you are caught in your own black hole of despair and hopelessness?
Early in my life I started going to counseling and at 32 I’m still going. Just last week I was caught in a black hole of hopelessness about the amount of time that I’ve spent in counseling – more than half my life. Then it was brought to my attention that my journey in recovery is a gift I give my husband, my daughter, and myself.
In all honesty my progress in therapy prior to Christian counseling was mediocre at best. When I accepted Christ and invited Him into my heart, life and recovery-I could see dramatic changes.
After many years of longing to be a mother, God has blessed me with a wonderful daughter. I never dreamed how amazing or how difficult it would be. Just days after she was born I learned some of the difficulties I would face as a Mom and a survivor.
My daughter continually triggers me ( through no fault of her own). One of the greatest things I wish to accomplish as a mother is not ever making her feel responsible for my feelings. Often I find myself looking at her and wondering what it was like for me at her age and mourning for the loss of my childhood. I wonder how my mother felt knowing what was happening to me and not stopping it. It is incomprehensible for me to think about not protecting my precious, innocent daughter.
Sometimes I feel totally incompetent to be responsible for another human being and it is so easy to get caught up in all the triggers and fears, but I have given myself a gift – to seek Christian counsel. Not only through prayer, but with someone I know loves Christ as much as I do and helps ground me in my life and “mothering.” She helps keep me balanced in what God truly wants and in my distorted ideas of what I think He wants. She also helps when I have a tendency to overcompensate for something I lacked.
God has given me so many beautiful gifts, most significantly the gift of His Son for my salvation. This is a gift I would not have appreciated years ago, because I didn’t even appreciate being alive. Through counseling I have come to appreciate, love and even enjoy life. His love for me as my heavenly Father has more than made up for what I lacked. He has given me insight and wisdom to know when I seek the help of other Christians and not let the old tapes play in my head about how selfish I’m being. He has blessed me with many wonderful people who guide and love me through my struggles rather than judge or condemn me. It’s a precious gift He has given me, a precious gift I give myself and hopefully a precious gift I give to my daughter.
Blessings to you.