I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I haven’t wanted to talk to You most of the time during these past few weeks. I don’t feel close, yet I know You’re with me. I don’t want to open Your Word or even go to church. “Why?” keeps popping into my mind. Yet I don’t really care why.
I know I’m getting tired of feeling like this. I can’t work, I can’t do the hobbies I enjoy. I can’t serve You as I have in the past or as I should. It’s You that does these things through me. I know that. But I don’t even want to pray, Lord!
If I don’t care why, then why am I writing this? If this experience is to show me I can’t do anything without You, I already know that. I want to scream, “So what’s going on?” but I don’t want the answer, either. I’m messed up, Lord. I’m at a place I don’t remember being before I became a Christian. And yes, it’s very obvious that I’m operating out of the flesh. Part of me is screaming, “So what, I am human!”
I feel like I’m mad at You and I don’t know why. This feels like the time I was really hurting and You allowed me to go through that in front of others. Boy, was I a mess then! And I didn’t like that any more than I like this. I don’t see what the lesson is here. Are You using this experience as a lesson for someone else? I want to shout, “Where’s the lesson?” But I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.
Choices? Consequences? You’ve led me to those type verses the few times I’ve opened Your Word this past few weeks. I did read them before I slammed the Bible closed. Is that what all of this is about? Are You showing me I do have choices? That the lost feeling that seems to permeate me now, comes from those choices?
Lord, there’s anger, frustration, agitation. All sorts of negative feelings swirling around inside me. Why? Where does it come from? I care – I don’t. I want – I don’t want. I even feel, “So what?” It’s all here inside me.
I guess it’s up to me now, right? I can ask for Your understanding, ask You, “Why?” Part of me doesn’t want to know. Doesn’t care. That doesn’t make sense, either. I know this relationship is team work. You and me have to work together to accomplish whatever we endeavor. This part of the team doesn’t seem to care any more. Yet, I do.
Instead of me “waiting on the Lord, ” I think You, Christ, are waiting on me. Waiting until I want Your help, want You as an intricate part of my life again. Which, by the way, I never understood anyway. I never deserved You in the first place. So where’d You go? How come You left?
Lord, I know You haven’t left. I have. And I don’t know how to get back. Or, if I want to. I gave You my life. You’re my Shepherd. Come find this lost lamb, ’cause I’m scared.
The answer I was given is found in John 1:48-51
Name withheld by request – Angels by Grace Pub. – April 1998
Blessings to you.